Shuttlepod Two
by entallat
Summary: Friends - and the Disaster Duo - in any universe? T for language.


**Disclaimer:** Star Trek and Enterprise (the universe, the characters, and all related images and logos) are copyrighted by Paramount. No copyright infringement is intended or should be inferred. No money was made from the writing of this fanfiction.

**Author's note:** This started out months and months ago as just a couple of funny lines for another project that quickly grew out of hand. I know "dialog-only" pieces aren't everyone's cup of tea – and they're not my usual style – but if I spent any more time on this one I'd never get back to some of my other writing. Besides, I think there have been some better takes on this same concept recently, so I just hope you enjoy this rather silly bit anyway.

Spoilers (sort of) for the episodes "_Shuttlepod One_" and "_In a Mirror Darkly_". Points, cookies and kudos to anyone who spots the TOS homage here.

* * *

"I can't believe this is happening."

"The Cap'n's never going to let us out with a shuttlepod again."

"You're not getting anything out of it at all?"

"It's completely fried."

"You don't suppose it's another micro-singularity?"

"What'd be the odds of that happenin' again? No, I think a short in a power conduit caused this. Gimme an hour; I might be able to resurrect it."

"All our other systems check out."

"Good. I'm not lookin' forward to freezin' my butt off again."

"I suppose they'll start looking for us when they realize we're not responding to hails."

"I'm hopin' I get this fixed before that happens."

"I have every confidence that you can. Say, what did you think of the explanation that alien scientist, what was his name…"

"The Venerable Bixby."

"That's right. What did you think of the explanation he offered for the phenomenon his people showed us?"

"What, the afterimage of another universe? I dunno about that."

"Sub-Commander T'Pol didn't seem convinced either."

"The Vulcan Science Directorate has probably determined that there's no such thing as parallel universes."

"You have to admit it does sound a bit far fetched."

"Maybe. Quantum mechanics does argue that every possible quantum event is eventually realized…"

"So you do think there could be parallel universes out there."

"Some theorists claim it would resolve correlation paradoxes in quantum theory, so yeah, it's a possibility. I just think it's not a probability."

"You sound like the Sub-Commander."

"Hey, them's fightin' words."

"Ha ha. [pause] Do you need some help?"

"Nah, I got it. Like I said, just gimme an hour."

"All right then. I'll … find something to read in the meantime."

"You do that Malcolm."

&&&

"Bloody hell, are you still working on that blasted thing? It's been well over an hour."

"Keep your shirt on."

"They're not going to come looking for us you know."

"I know! I said I'm workin' on it."

"This is fine mess. Hayes always wanted my position and this would be the perfect opportunity for him to take over. He probably sabotaged that thing in the first place!"

"I would have thought you'd be more worried about Mayweather."

"What? The Sergeant? He's nothing but a suck-up. He'll follow anyone."

"Lucky you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothin'. Look, this would go faster if you'd just shut the hell up."

"Make me."

"Do you wanna to get back to the goddamned ship or not?"

"All right, fine. I suppose I could … catch up on my reading in the mean time. I've got a copy of Finnegans Wake here; I don't suppose you could get that thing fixed before I finish it?"

"I'd rather realign every micro-circuit on this shuttle than try to wade through that crap."

"You should talk. You read nothing but that ridiculous Cthulu series."

"Lovecraft was a genius."

"He was certifiably insane. Besides, I prefer the classics – the Marquis de Sade, the collected works of Colonel Green – to that science fiction drivel."

"Lovecraft is horror."

"I agree."

"Har, har. Look, I'm almost ready to fire this puppy up."

"…"

"Try it. I'm almost ready to try it."

"Perhaps I was mistaken about just who was certifiably insane."

"Very funny, Major."

[sometime later]

"Well, I got the receiver workin' but the transmitter's a lost cause."

"You repaired the receiver? What's that sound? Is it a warship?"

"Nah, the range is limited. It's probably just white noise. Or the sound of Sato laughin' at us."

"The Captain's woman doesn't have anything to gain by getting rid of us. Not yet anyway. Although … after that little incident in the mess hall... Can't they see us on their sensors yet?"

"Oh, they can see us, but assumin' that someone who cares is lookin' at it is another thing entirely."

"Surely they'd want the shuttlepod back. What if we fired our weapons?"

"That'd just give Archer an excuse to blow us out of the sky."

"Don't you have any good news?"

"I found a bottle of bourbon in the storage compartment there. Might as well get bottom it out."

"I don't drink on duty."

"What?"

"It dulls the senses and makes you vulnerable to your enemies."

"You're too paranoid. Besides, it's just you an' me and we're both dead men now."

"You know, your crude pessimism is beginning to get just a little bit tiresome."

"Hey, you're no picnic either. My last days servin' the Empire and I have to spend it stuck with you. You know half the ship wants you dead?"

"Only half? I must be slipping."

"Here, have a snort."

"I told you, I don't drink."

"What's the matter? You think I'll get a drop on you?"

"I'd like to see you try. I'd slit your throat before you even drew a weapon."

"You're a regular Grim Reaper, Major. Anybody ever tell you that?"

"Grim Reaper? Is that how you see me? That's awfully … staid and stuffy. Why not something with a bit more panache to it? Perhaps 'The Bloody Angel of Death'."

"Oh, gawd. I think I may shoot myself."

"I can help you with that."

"Go take a long walk off a short pier. [pause] You just can't hold your liquor – that's why you don't drink."

"Git. Give me that."

[sometime later]

"Does that sound modulated enough for you?"

"Modulated?"

"The radio. Or do you think it's just Sato, giggling at us again?"

"She can giggle all she wants, but she's not gettin' any of this bourbon."

"You know, it's almost funny. I always thought it was our Commander Archer who'd do me in. Just serving on the same starship as him made me feel as if I was living on borrowed time."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's always been that way. The only way that man ever made it anywhere was by eliminating' the competition. He deserves to have the piss taken out of him."

"Hey, what do you think of T'Pol, hmm?"

"The Vulcan? Nice ass."

"You ever …"

"Several times."

"Understood. I don't suppose she's green … you know?"

"Not as green as the Orions. You know the triplets in Operations?"

"Several times."

"Gotcha."

"It would appear we have more in common than we thought. Bloody hell! What was that?"

"I don't know! I think the plasma exhaust ignited somethin'!"

"I've lost navigation and sensors!"

"Damnit! The thruster on the port side is gone too! Shit, we're about to be toast. It doesn't take sensors to see that asteroid coming at us!"

"Get out of the way! I can take care of that … "

"Wow… uh, nice shootin' Major."

"My pleasure."

[sometime later]

"Great. Navigation is a complete mess. So now the com's out, sensors are down and we've got no navigation system or port thruster. I can't fix all three at once."

"It's too bad we don't have a couple of your lackeys around to assist us. Kelby perhaps."

"Kelby? He wouldn't be much help. If his brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose."

"Oh, now that's funny."

"Besides, Hess is the smart one. She's probably plottin' to kill me and take over Engineerin'."

"You think so? [pause] I could take care of that for you, you know. Quickly, quietly."

"Is that your solution to everythin'? Put a knife in someone's back? Throw 'em out the airlock?"

"It's worked for me."

"Yeah, well, it's a lot harder to replace an engineer than a stiff-necked MACO. Hess may be devious, but she's also brilliant."

"Fine. The offer still stands."

"Okay, uh, sure. Thanks."

"Wait. What's that?"

"What's what?"

"That! Is it the ship?"

"If it is … hang on a minute Major, I'm gonna try somethin' with the transceiver."

&&&

"You've fixed it already?"

"I told you it'd only take about an hour. What? You wanted to be rescued, Malcolm?"

"No, no. I'm just thinking that it's not our usual experience to have something like this go quite so smoothly.

"No kiddin'."

"I'm sure it will be a far more elaborate story of adventure and near-death once it makes its way around the ship."

"Yeah, I'll bet. How the hell did we get that reputation, anyway?"

"I'm sure I don't know. Quite possibly all the adventures and near-death experiences we've had?"

"Oh, right."

"It's really not that funny when you think about it."

"If you want, you could lay down and I'll make an outline around you with yellow electrical tape. Then we can hightail it out of here before anybody gets to the shuttle bay."

"Oh, very clever, Trip. But somehow I don't think the Captain would appreciate that. Speaking of, we'd better contact Enterprise before they assume something's wrong."

"Too late. They're hailin' us."

"_Enterprise to Shuttlepod Two."_

"Go ahead Sub-Commander."

"_Lieutenant Reed. You are two hours past your scheduled rendezvous. Do you and Commander Tucker require assistance?"_

"No, Sub-Commander. We just had an … unavoidable delay. We're all right."

"_Good. Tell them they'd better not have wrecked the front bumper or I'm never giving them the keys again."_

"_Captain?"_

"It's okay Sub-Commander, we heard the Cap'n. We'll be there in a few minutes."

"_Understood, Commander. Enterprise out."_

"The Captain suspects something happened."

"Well I'm not sayin' anythin' unless you do."

"No I really don't think we should … watch out!"

"Oh, crap!"

"Brilliant. You've scratched the paint! Now we're both grounded."

"Very funny Malcolm. [pause] It's good to be home."

"Yes, Trip. Yes, it is."

&&&

_Captain's log, Jonathan Archer – Enterprise, NX01, United Earth_

We're retrieved our two wayward officers and are back on course to investigate a planetary nebula. Shuttlepod Two is no worse for wear, as are Commander Tucker and Lieutenant Reed. Still, I'm beginning to think should never let those two off the ship together. Especially not with a shuttlepod.

_Captain's log, Maximilian Forrest – I.S.S. Enterprise, Terran Empire_

Our two missing officers have turned up just as we were about to make a course correction to engage the enemy fleet at Antares. Shuttlepod Two is damaged but it seems a small price to pay for the brief truce that appears to have formed between Major Reed and Commander Tucker. Maybe I should arrange to have those two marooned in a shuttlepod on a regular basis.


End file.
